Despedida de Soltera

I first traveled alone when I was twelve years old. My parents sent me to Guatemala for a month to visit my family. I remember my mom being very nervous and both of us having to drum up the courage to make it look like what I was doing was very normal. My family and everyone I met in Guatemala keep saying how brave and adventurous I was for travelling alone. Ever since that trip, I have had to drum up the same courage every time I embark on a new journey: leaving to Wisconsin for college, moving to Washington, D.C. and then New York, my trips to Europe and now my adventures in Southeast Asia. In some ways, despite the bumps in the road, it has always been easy leaving, but I have always felt like I was keeping a secret. One side of me has always felt very confident and secure about my travels and my decisions, but until recently I did not realize that some of that drummed up courage was forced and that I had kept this as a secret even from myself. It was as if I needed to keep a strong face so that no one would question my decisions and so that no one would worry about me. I started to realize this in New York, but it did not hit me until I arrived in New Delhi. I booked my trip to India while I was still in the states and purposely booked it for a longer stay than Bridget because I could not see myself visiting India without seeing the Taj Mahal. After spending two weeks cuddled and cradled in Bangalore, I left to northern India to visit the golden triangle, which includes Delhi, Agra and Jaipur. I was not excited about traveling alone, particularly in India, but my trip was booked and I either flew back to Thailand without seeing the Taj, or I drummed up the courage to accomplish what I had set out to do months before.

I arrived in New Delhi on a Thursday morning without a hotel reservation, or any idea of how I would get around. I simply placed my bets on figuring it out when I got to the airport. I had done some research online and read a bit from my Lonely Planet book, but for some reason, it was not making sense. In Cambodia, Carla and I simply winged it, and it worked. This time, however, flying solo seemed to throw me out of whack. In my head, no matter how much I read, Delhi seemed like this massive mush that I could not get my head around.

It was only a four day solo trip, and although I have travelled alone for weeks at a time, I was not prepared for my emotional breakdown in Delhi. There were a few mishaps that propelled the break down which included a canceled credit card due to fraud, an expired debit card that contained my emergency funds, a bank that did not know where the new debit card was, and dwindling cash flow. All I could think was, “how the heck am I going to pay for my hotel tomorrow morning?” I have been in more pressing situations in the past, and everything except that hotel night was paid for, but I think this situation represented something bigger for me. I realized that I was done traveling alone and I was done trying to be courageous.

By morning, mom and dad came to the rescue. I had called my dad the night before and I literally could not get the words out “I need $30 to pay for my hotel.” All the credit and debit card mishaps did not matter. The bottom line was that I was asking my dad for $30 and it hurt more than anything I can remember. It was then, and now as I write, that I realize how tough and strong I have been trying to be for so long. This toughness has served me well in my thirty years of life. I am grateful and honor my efforts, but the universe could not have sent a clearer message. No matter how successful, all my tiring efforts at trying to do it alone, with no help, may no longer be the best option anymore.

Having arrived at the decision that this was my last trip alone, I decided to really enjoy the four days to the fullest. It took some work to sit with my new outlook on life. The new outlook is, “It doesn’t need to be so hard, you don’t have to be so tough, and it’s OK to ask for help.” With this realization, I dubbed my trip “mi despedida de soltera.” In Spanish, this phrase refers to a farewell to the single life for women that are going to be married, which is also known as the bachelorette party in English. Now, I am not announcing that I am getting married, but I am announcing that I am done with the old and ready for the new. My “despedida de soltera,” or my good-bye to going at it alone, seemed to be the most appropriate phrase to capture my four day trip in northern India.