Climbing Rocks, Conquering Fears

I did not anticipate being afraid of climbing rocks. I jumped out of a plane in September to celebrate Julissa's birthday, and even though I was not super hyped up about rock climbing, I figured it would not be as scary - it was much more terrifying. On Friday, December 18, 2009, I conquered one of my biggest fears and learned a very valuable lesson.

The night before our climb, Julissa and I enjoyed a fun night of dancing to and performing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and Beyonce's "Single Ladies" at a little island bar. You can read more about that night in the previous entry. Considering that we spotted signs of daylight as we made it back to our little hut in the jungle, Julissa and I woke up just in time for our 9am climb. We even had time for a super delish banana shake for breakfast. We did not have time for a more hearty breakfast, but later we were thankful that our stomachs were not full because I think we would have chucked our entire meal during the climb.

Our guide, Ram, hooked us up with all the necessary climbing gear, including shoes, harness and chalk bag. Did you know that climbing shoes should be considerably snug, even a whole size smaller than your regular shoe size? Once we had been suited up, we made the trek to our first rock. I am almost certain that one of our climbs was on the Muai Thai/123 wall on Tonsai beach. We didn't exactly get the details of the rocks, such as the names. Later I learned from my rock climbing friends, Nida and Lu, that you should know the names of the rocks you climb. Lu says that that's what climbers do - talk about the rocks and other climber "stuff." What I do know is that the 123 wall was packed with first time climbers. It was quite exciting seeing so many people going up and down vertical rocks. I felt quite outdoorsy with my harness and snug shoes while surrounded by climbers.

Never before I had thought of rock climbing as something I would do. Five years ago I worked at a gym with an indoor wall, but I never made it to the beginners class. And yet, I made it to Railay, a climbers nirvana according to Nida and Lu. As we walked to the wall, I told Julie, "You know, I'm not really excited about climbing, but I figure since we are in Railay, I might as well do it." I am glad I did.

Our first wall was a baby wall. Julissa went up first. It looked tough, but from ground level I could see the various nooks where I she could place her feet and hands. Based on what I saw, I tried to remember the nooks and mentally planned my climb. Once I was on the rock, I realized how tough it really was to see the nooks. Everything in front of me looked flat, no nooks, nowhere to go. Fear set in. It was the baby rock, and I was scared. I was thinking, "These people must be crazy trying to climb some rocks. I don't climb rocks. What am I doing!" But I kept at it. We were with a nine year old boy that completed the climb in five minutes. I tried to keep that in mind. I made it to the top of the baby rock and came down. My legs, arms and hands were shaking. My heart was pounding. All I wanted was a cigarette. Note, I did not have one, so please, no lectures. But I was definitely shaken. From there, we were off to climb #2.

This climb was a bit difficult. Ram, our guide, had to hoist us up a bit because this side of rock protruded out, maybe six feet or so and the climb began about five feet off the ground. Julie went first again. As she went up, fear began to set its nasty little claws deeper into my psyche. I could see her struggle. When Julie is nervous or a bit scared, she laughs. She laughed quite a bit during her climb. I do not laugh. When it was my turn to climb the wall, I panicked. I walked to wall, looked up and thought, "How am I going to do this?" My mind went blank, but not in a good way, in a paralyzing way. I am good in high stress situations and react in very a appropriate, direct and safe way. I have been in situations before where my mind goes blank, but it does so in order to clear out the white noise so I can see exactly what I am supposed to do. In this case, I could not see or think anything. I could not see any nooks to place my hands and I could not find where to put my feet. I just saw a flat vertical rock and fear painted my mind red. That was all I saw, heard, smelled and touched. Ram hoisted me up to the rock by pushing my bottom with his two hands, and as he did so, all I could think was, "NO." I placed my hands and feet into the nooks that he instructed, but I could not move. If he let me go, I would not fall or hurt myself because I was only five feet off the ground, but my awareness was tainted and I could not move. I did not trust Ram. I did not trust myself and I did not trust the equipment. It was as if nothing else existed except the fear I felt at that moment. Ram thought I was joking and kept instructing me on how to make the climb. I tried. I tried my hardest, but I could not do it. I could not see anything but fear. I panicked and I came down.

Julissa, Ram, the nine year old boy and his mom seemed startled and a bit sad for me. My determination to get down was stronger than my determination to climb. Although they did not seem convinced, I said to them, "Really, I am OK." For me, the problem with that climb was that it was painful. The rocks were cutting into my hands. I was bumping my knees into the rocks trying to get a grip. It was painful and I do not like pain. As I was struggling to climb, I had a brief thought that helped me decide - I do not like pain and I will not inflict pain on myself. Once I knew I was not going to climb and knew that my only task was to convince Ram of my decision, the red started to clear away. I came down and felt good. I hadn't yet decided that I would never climb again, although I was headed in that direction. I was slightly embarrassed, but my sense of relief was greater. Everyone was quiet and did not know what to say. Strangely enough, I was in higher spirits than before we started the first climb.

Slowly, as we walked to our third climb, I began to see how this experience was very much like an example of how I have lived some moments of my life. Although I think through things and plan to some extent, I usually thrust myself into new experiences. I have become OK with jumping into new things because I have learned that no matter how much I plan, I really have no idea what something is like until I do it. I am able to make the first leap because I trust myself, but sometimes, fear takes over. It has done so in different situations throughout my life, and although I do not consider myself a quitter and I am good at finishing what I have started, fear has undoubtedly been an obstacle. I have known this for some time, but this climb cemented what I have slowly been learning - I need to trust myself more and trust that all situations will always work out as they should. I realized that all I had to do was trust Ram, trust the equipment, see the rock before me and trust my ability to climb. I felt good about being able to say "no" and coming down when I knew it did not feel right, but I could not leave Railay with out completing a proper climb.

As we approached the third climb, I took all the energy I had within to clear my mind of that red, panicky fear. I began to gently coax myself into a climb. I knew I wasn't going to die during the climb, or fall to the ground, and the third worst thing that could happen already had...I had stopped mid-climb. So on this third climb, I went first and I made it to the top. It was tough. It took all I had. I could feel my body making the climb on its own. I had a great cheering section below that guided me all the way up. It was awesome. I looked down at one point, and THAT was scary. I had no idea I had gone so far up. After that, I only looked up, straight ahead or to the side. Before I came down, I forced myself to look at the scenery. It was nearly terrifying, but worth every anxiety ridden second. My goodness, the view took my breath away. All I could see was crystal clear blue and green water surrounded by a white sandy beach, vibrantly green trees and huge, magnificent rocks. I was on one of those rocks and I could not believe it. I made the climb. I conquered my fear and I did it intentionally. I did it with determination. I did it by trusting myself, trusting Ram and trusting the experience.

We completed the fourth and final climb, which was more challenging than the third. I was happy our half day climbing trek was over, but as we left the rocks I realized that rock climbing is definitely something I will continue doing. It is an amazing experience that teaches you how to trust yourself and trust the experience. It's only you and that rock. That's it. The climb was also the best climax to my Southeast Asia adventures. I had conquered my fear and I knew that it took that second wall to really understand the lesson that life has been trying to teach me for some time now. I know I can walk away when necessary, and I have learned how to say "no", but now I am ready to say "yes" to life and I trust myself more today than ever before. Life is good my friends, and I am so happy I get to live mine.